Chances are you'll never see this, and to be honest I'd prefer it that way. That way I'll never have to hear your opinions on what I have to say. You always had a way of making your voice be heard for everything. In some strange way, I adored that about you. As a matter of fact, that's probably the main thing I loved about you. You never let anyone push you out, or keep you from speaking your mind. There were even times where you stepped in for me... I loved that. We had each other's backs. It was me and you against the world. Literally. No one liked that we were together. The guys were ticked that I got to you first. I never really did know what you saw in me over them. You just always said I was special when I asked. I used to think you were being funny, but the look on your face told me otherwise. That sincere smile... I fell for it a million times over. You could've told me to do anything for you, and I'd jump without a second thought. You had me wrapped around your finger, and that's what I hated about you. It was hard to say no, though it seemed to get a lot easier as time went on. 2 years in, that smile got weaker. That wondrous, sickening hold you had on me got weaker. I had no idea why and it bothered me. I figured it was because we didn't see as much of each other anymore. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder.. In our case, it only split us apart even more. You started hanging with different people, which I didn't bother to look into too much, but like the naive fool that I am, I put all my trust in you. 'She won't do anything to hurt me. We love each other too much'. Boy, was I stupid. I was just too young to realize it at the time. It wasn't until that night you showed up at my place at 2:34 am that I figured it out. Of course, you didn't come out and tell me what you did. Nooooo, I had to be that jealous boyfriend and attack everybody you hung with to get answers. Which I failed in. I wasn't about to result to violence for you at this point. There was absolutely no point. So I let it go, and let you think I was clueless about the situation. Maybe that was a bad move on my part, I don't know because by the third year we were worse than strangers. We hardly talked, and when we did the conversation was lax and we got on each other's nerves like that. For some reason still, I couldn't let you go for anything. I still cared too much. I hate myself for that one to this day. Maybe if I had let go sooner, I wouldn't be hurting this much for you still. I also would've probably been a lot more equipped for when you said you wanted to break up. I seriously nearly lost it when you said that to me. I wanted to break something; someone. Being as volatile as I was, anything was liable to happen. To think I might've even put my hands on you... Of course, I managed to kill those thoughts as quickly as they came up. No matter what happened between us, I'd never make a bitch move like that. As much as that hurt though, it doesn't compare to when you told me about this other dude, Zack. Although I hated that he took you away from me, I also realized that you wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with you. So, I decided to let you go. I didn't fight, because I know I'd never win. All that time, I thought I had your heart when instead he did, and I had the counterfeit. Damn shame, really. And just when I thought the worst was over, you moved away to be with him in Georgia. I had no idea that you needed to get that far away from me, although I saw the silver lining in it all. I could finally rid myself of you and never have to see your face again, but you proved me wrong there. The calls started coming. You wanted to check up on me, supposedly. I felt it was to see if I'd end up a broken mess over you. Psh, yeah right. You sounded genuinely concerned though, so I listened, and talked and our conversations seemed to get back to the way they used to be. It made me happy for awhile, until the calls became more and more scarce after that. I literally found myself forgetting about you, but you made sure to fix that at the most random of times. And then came the biggest announcement from you that really made me realize I'd get over you... You had a kid with that loser.. I swear, I had never laughed so hard in my laugh than that moment right there. I never figured you to be such a moron. 17 with a baby... Wow. Now I'm not sure exactly how that's supposed to make me look, because I do not care. And you were a fool to think I would. I felt sorry for the kid, because I knew he'd end up with a deadbeat father, and a confused, careless mother. I do applaud you for taking care of him all this time, however. Takes a real woman to make that happen. I hope you keep that up. Prove me wrong, because I would love to hear that from you.
It's been 4 years since we've split, and yet... The calls are starting up again. Why? I'm not 100% sure, but I have my suspicions. Since that excuse of a human being left you, I think you're trying to get me to fill in that role. Well... It's not happening. You can't push me into raising a child that you had with the guy you left me for. That's not how the world works, hun. I refuse to go back to you after all of the hell I went through. I'll be damned if I make the same mistake twice. So... While I doubt you'll ever read this, I figure I'll share this with others because I'm finally able to get all of my feelings out. Finally able to say I'm over you completely. My first girlfriend. My first mistake of mistakes. Ha.. Something is wrong with me. Seriously.